Jokes, More Jokes

LITTLE BRUCE

2011-07-27T13:57:00.001-07:00

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10.. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit their nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Microsoft vs Ford

2011-07-26T17:40:00.001-07:00

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

'If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash..........Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

PS - I 'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!

Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer!

Older men scam

2011-02-03T13:05:00.001-08:00

Dear Old Male Friends,

Be very careful, especially during the holidays with these types of
terrible scams happening!!!

Watch out for this scam!!

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and
in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for
men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it; sort of
a 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers of Lowe's, Home
Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out
shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't
be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck
as
you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping
your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling
out of their skimpy T-shirts(it's impossible not to look). When you
thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a
ride to cDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start
undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the
other
one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, 24th, & 29th. Also November 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, the 16th,
23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take
advantage of
us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones
for
$.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds
just
running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, etc.

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them
to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before
lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

This is Sarah Palin

2010-12-16T15:28:00.001-08:00

Hi! This is Sarah Palin. May I speak to Senator Lieberman please?

Sorry Governor, he isn't in. This is Yom Kippur.

Well hello there, Yom. Can you take a message?

Samurai

2010-12-05T15:28:00.001-08:00

Samurai

A powerful Japanese Emperor needed a new Chief Samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world of that time that he was searching for a CHIEF Samurai. A year passed, but only 3 people applied for the very demanding position; a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai

The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out popped a bumblebee.

Whoosh! went his sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on the ground.

The emperor exclaimed "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a match box and out buzzed a fly.

Whoosh! Whoosh! and the fly dropped dead on the ground in four small pieces.

The emperor exclaimed: "That is VERY impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish Samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the Chief Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh!

But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said: "Very ambitious!, but why is that gnat not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said: "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

The Cowboy and the Politician

2010-11-21T13:32:00.001-08:00

A cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW roared out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, FONT face="Times New Roman">Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

You're a Congressman in the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you wanted to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows.... Now give me back my dog"

Jose and Carlos are Beggars

2010-10-10T16:27:00.001-07:00

Jose and Carlos are beggars.
They beg in different areas of town.


Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but collects only
about $8.00 or $9.00 a day.


Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten-dollar bills every day. He drives a Mercedes,
lives in a mortgage-free house, and has a lot of money to spend.


"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase
full of ten dollar bills every day?


Jose says,
"Look at your sign, what does it say?"


Carlos reads his sign:
"I have no work, a wife and six kids to support."
  "What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.


"No wonder you only get
  $8.00 or $9.00 a day!" says Jose.


Carlos says,
"All right, what is on your sign?"


Jose shows him:

El Americano y el Mexicano

2010-10-10T16:24:00.001-07:00

Un mexicano está tranquilamente tomando su desayuno, cuando un típico estadounidense, mascando su chiclote, se sienta a su lado.
El mexicano ignora al yanqui, y el americano no muy contento con eso, trata de molestarlo haciéndole conversación le pregunta:

- Excuse me? ahhh ¿ustedes se comen todo el pan?

- Por supuesto, contesta el mexicano. -
Nosotros no, sólo comemos la migaja de adentro del pan y la parte de afuera la ponemos en un 'container', la reciclamos, la transformamos en harina y la exportamos a México.

El mexicano escucha en silencio, imperturbable.
El americano sigue mascando chicle   e insiste:
- ¿Ustedes se comen la mermelada con el pan?

- Por supuesto, contesta el mexicano.

- Nosotros no. Nosotros en el desayuno comemos fruta fresca. La cáscara y las semillas, las ponemos en otro 'container', las reciclamos, la transformamos en mermelada y la exportamos a México.
El mexicano, ya un poco alterado, le pregunta:
- Y ustedes, ¿qué hacen con los condones   después de usarlos?
- Los tiramos a la basura, of course!!!
- Nosotros no, después de usarlos los ponemos en un "container" y los reciclamos. Los transformamos en chicles y los exportamos a los Estados Unidos.

¡¡¡JAJAJAJA...!!! a HUEVO, somos Mexicanos...

Girls Night Out

2010-06-03T21:44:00.001-07:00

A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns. 10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also. 10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean. 10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and they even had an elevator. 10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

The candy with the little hole

2010-06-03T21:36:00.001-07:00

The Candy With The Little Hole

This should make you smile.
You have to love little kids.

The children began to identify
the flavors by their color:

Red......................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange ..............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them
all HONEY lifesavers.
None of the children
could identify the taste.

The teacher said,
'I will give you all a clue.
It's what your mother
may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror,
spit her lifesaver out and yelled,
'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!

THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES

2010-05-19T14:04:00.001-07:00

Six married men
will be dropped on an island
with one car
and 3 kids each
for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports
and take either music or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must
take care of his 3 kids;
keep his assigned house clean,
correct all homework,
complete science projects,
cook,
do laundry,
and pay a list of 'pretend' bills
with not enough money.

In addition,
each man
will have to budget enough money
for groceries each week.

Each man
must remember the birthdays
of all their friends and relatives,
and send cards out on time--no emailing.

Each man must also take each child
to a doctor's appointment,
a dentist appointment
and a haircut appointment.

He must make one unscheduled and
inconvenient visit per child to the Emergency Room.

He must also make cookies or cupcakes
for a school function.

Each man will be responsible for
decorating his own assigned house,
planting flowers outside, and keeping it
presentable at all times.

The men will only have access to television
when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

The men must shave their legs,

wear makeup daily,

adorn themselves with jewelry,

wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes,

keep fingernails polished,

and eyebrows groomed

During one of the six weeks,

the men will have to endure severe
abdominal cramps, backaches, headaches,
have extreme, unexplained mood swings
but never once complain or slow down
from other duties.

They must attend weekly school meetings
and find time at least once to spend
the afternoon at the park or a similar
setting.

They will need to read a book to the kids each night ,
feed them,
dress them,
brush their teeth and
comb their hair
by 7:30 am.

A test will be given
at the end of the six weeks,
and each father will be required to know
all of the following information:
each child's
birthday,
height, weight,
shoe size, clothes size,
doctor's name,
the child's weight at birth,
length, time of birth,
and length of labor,
each child's favorite color,
middle name,
favorite snack,
favorite song,
favorite drink,
favorite toy,
biggest fear,
and what they want to be when they grow up.

The kids vote them off the island based on performance.

The last man wins only if...
he still
has enough energy
to be intimate with his spouse
at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win,
he can play the game over and over and over
again for the next 18-25 years,
eventually earning the right
to be called Mother!

After you get done laughing,
send this to as many females as
you think will get a kick out of it and
as many men as you think can handle it.
Just don't send it back to me....

I'm going to bed.

Sunday Sermon

2010-05-14T21:10:00.001-07:00

The pastor decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind -- the pastor shouted out 'CROSS.'

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, 'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.' The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.' The pastor said 'POWER.' The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'

The Pastor said 'SEX' The congregation fell into total silence.

Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing
'MEMORIES.'

Pass this along and make someone smile today.

Gotta Love Little Old Ladies.

Laugh..... It burns calories

Joke of the Day

2010-04-08T17:52:00.001-07:00

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

_____________________________

Aha.....

... and that's how the fight started

2010-02-15T17:20:00.001-08:00

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend.."

And then the fight started......

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour... The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day..

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants You might have gotten disability, too...'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started....

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

******************************************

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T

2010-02-02T22:38:00.001-08:00

T-G-I-F vs.S-H-I-T

A business man got on an elevator.
When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright,
"T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied,
"S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated,
"T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered,
"S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly,
"T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again,
"S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God,It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered,
"'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'-- duuhhh."

The frog and golf

2010-01-03T07:23:00.001-08:00

The Frog and Golf

A man goes out golfing.

He is on the second hole when
He notices a frog sitting next to
The green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to
Prove the frog wrong, puts the club
Away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!

He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked. He says to the frog,
"Wow that's amazing.

You must be a lucky frog, he?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog
with
Him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!

Hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.

By the end of the day, the man golfed
The best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit

Las Vegas."

" They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now
what?"

The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table,

The man asks, "What do you think I
Should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across
The
table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.

He sits the frog down and says, "Frog,
I don't know how to repay you

You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies,

"Ribbit Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.

With a kiss, the frog turns into a
Gorgeous girl.

"And that is how the girl ended up in my room, Elin. So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods."

The 12 Days of Christmas Letter

2009-12-23T16:31:00.001-08:00

A little holiday humor...

My dearest darling Edward, Dec 25

What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.

Your deeply loving Emily.

Beloved Edward, Dec 26

The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful!
With undying love, as always, Emily.

My darling Edward, Dec 27

You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some. Anyway, thank you so much; they're lovely.
Your devoted Emily.

Dearest Edward, Dec 28
What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly - they make telephoning almost impossible - but I expect they'll calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I'm very grateful, of course I am.
Love from Emily.

Dearest Edward, Dec 29
The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I'm afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to "wring" their necks. Mother has such a sense of humor. This time she's only joking, I think, but I do know what she means. Still, I love the rings.
Bless you, Emily.

Dear Edward, Dec 30
Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn't six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room for them, and they've already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but let's call a halt, shall we?
Love, Emily.

Edward, Dec 31
I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no more than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd rather not think what's happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please, please, stop! Your Emily.

Jan 1
Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And their cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing.
Emily.

Look here, Edward, Jan 2
This has gone far enough. You say you're sending me nine ladies dancing. All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they're certainly not ladies. The village just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless viragos, with nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting round the green, and it's Mother and I who get the blame. If you value our friendship, which I do (less and less), kindly stop this ridiculous behavior at once!
Emily.

Jan 3
As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it. And several of them, I have just noticed, are taking inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids. Meanwhile the neighbors are trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again.
Emily.

Jan 4
This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance. I hope you're satisfied.

Jan 5
Sir,
Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire percussion section of the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and several of their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock.
I am, Sir, yours faithfully,
G. Creep Attorney at law.

Strip Tease

2009-12-22T12:24:00.000-08:00

You Just Can't Please Everyone...

2009-11-15T19:21:00.001-08:00

Company Memo

Subject: Plan the Office Christmas Party

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2008
RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty
------------------------------------

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 2, 2008

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not
Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy

Holidays to you and your family,

Patty
-------------------------------

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 3, 2008

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little
chintzy. REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

---------------------------------

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: October 4, 2008

RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first. There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

------------------------------

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F*%^ing Employees

DATE: October 5, 2008

RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,

The
B*tch from H*ll!!!

Old Guy at the Doctors

2009-11-08T08:40:00.001-08:00

This is so true!
They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!

Never choke in a restaurant in the south

2009-11-08T08:37:00.001-08:00

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

If you don't send this to five friends,
there will be five fewer people laughing in the world!

Baby's First Visit

2009-11-08T08:34:00.001-08:00

Baby's First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
Waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,
Checked his weight, and being a little concerned,
Asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied..

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did - He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and
Rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional
And detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
'No wonder this baby is underweight.
You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said,
'I'm his Grandma,

But I'm glad I came.

NEW TIC TAC TOE GAME

2009-11-08T08:32:00.001-08:00

YOU GOTTA TRY THIS AT LEAST ONCE!!!!! IT'S GREAT.

Click HERE <http://stuff.pyzam.com/toys/tictacscare.swf>

Oldie But Goodie: The Lighter Side of Life

2009-10-03T10:45:00.001-07:00

The Lighter Side of Life
________________________________

If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers...

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs...

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (The kid gets an A+ for this answer!)

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death..

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Raider's Fan?

2009-10-03T10:38:00.001-07:00

An elementary teacher starts a new job at a school in Green Bay, Wisconsin
and trying to make a good impression on her first day explains to her class
that she's a Packers fan. She asks the class to raise their hands if they
too are Packers fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one
little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you
raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Packers fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asks: "Well, if you're not a Packers fan, then
what team do you support?"

"I'm a Chargers fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Well Mary, might you explain why
you are a Chargers fan?"

"Because my mom and dad are from San Diego and my mom is a Chargers fan and
my dad is a Chargers fan, so I'm a Chargers fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason
for you to be a Chargers fan. You don't have to be just like your parents
all of the time. What if your mom was a prostitute and your dad was a drug
addict and a car thief, what would you be then?"

Mary said, "Oh, well then I'd be a Raiders fan."

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM

2009-10-03T10:35:00.001-07:00

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATMs
enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving
their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for
your gender.'

************ ********* *********
MALE PROCEDURE:
1 Drive up to the cash machine.
2 Put down your car window.
3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6 Put window up.
7 Drive off.
************ ********* ********* *

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!!!!

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up..
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside
back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet..
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot
provided!
23 Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Garlic Warning

2009-09-25T16:35:00.001-07:00

For years doctors and scientists have told us that some foods are good
for us, only to be told later that they are bad for us, and again they
tell us that some foods are bad for us, and all the time they've been
good for us. There doesn't seem to be much proof either way to suggest
what is good or bad, until now that is............................

Garlic is definitely BAD for us

"You Are, What You Eat"

FBI is Hiring!

2009-09-07T19:30:00.001-07:00

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and
a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun.

He said, "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what
the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a
chair . . . Kill her!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife
and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.. The man came out with
tears in his eyes.
"I tried, but I can't kill my wife," he said.
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions: to
kill her husband.. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,
one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood
the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to beat him to death with
the chair."

MORAL:

Women are crazy...
Don't mess with them

Sister Mary

2009-08-16T21:11:00.001-07:00

Sister Mary entered the Monastery of Silence.

The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery.
You are welcome here as long as you like,
But you may not speak until directed to do so."

Sister Mary lived in the monastery for 5 years
Before the Priest said to her,
"Sister Mary , you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words."

Sister Mary said,
"Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said,
"We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary was summoned by the Priest.
"You may say another two words, Sister Mary .."

"Cold food," said Sister Mary ,
And the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery,
The Priest again called Sister Mary in to his office.
"You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary ..

"It's probably best," said the Priest,
"You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

And who thought cops and teachers didn't have a sense of humor!

2009-08-09T08:30:00.001-07:00

Teachers & Cops

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

1.. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6.. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. These comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

16.. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'

15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll
stretch after you wear them a while.'

14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'

13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired..'

12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

11. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'

10. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'

9. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket. '

8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

7.. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'

6. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'

5. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'

3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'

AND THE WINNER IS.....

1. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.'

cake or bed...men

2009-07-26T01:36:00.001-07:00

CAKE OR BED

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE,

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS..............................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL TH E REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!

NOW SEND THIS TO 5 PEOPLE IN THE NEXT 15 MINUTES AND YOU WILL GET A SURPRISE!!! ?

Live,Love,Laugh"

GRITS

2009-07-25T06:54:00.001-07:00

Important information for Yankees, basic refresher for Texans and other Southerners!

GRIT (girls raised in Texas)

Texas Women, Kittens and Biscuits

Someone once noted that a Texan can get away with the most
awful kind of insult just as long as it's prefaced with the words, "Bless
her heart" or "Bless his heart." As in, "Bless his heart, if they put his
brain on the head of a pin, it'd roll around like a BB on a 6-lane
highway."

I was thinking about this the other day when a friend was
telling about her new transplanted northern friend who was upset because
her toddler is just beginning to talk and he has a Texas accent. My
friend, who is very kind and, bless her heart, cannot do a thing about
those thighs of hers, was justifiably miffed about this. After all, this
woman had CHOSEN to move to Texas a couple of years ago.

"Can you believe it?" said her friend, "A child of mine is
going to be "taaaallllkkin liiiike thiiiissss."

Now, don't get me wrong. Some of my dearest friends are from
the North, bless their hearts. I welcome their perspective, their
friendships, and their recipes for authentic Northern Italian food. I've
even gotten past their endless complaints that you can't find good bread
down here. And the heathens, bless their hearts, don't like cornbread!

I have a friend from Bawston, bless her heart, who thinks
it's hilarious when I say I've got to "carry" my daughter to the doctor
or "cut off" the light. She also gets a giggle every time I am "fixin" to
do something. And, bless their hearts, they don't even know where "over
yonder" is, or what "I reckon" means!

My personal favorite was my aunt, saying, "Bless her heart,
she cain't help being ugly, but she could'uh stayed home."

Texas girls know bad manners when they see them:
1. Drinking straight out of a can.
2. Not sending thank you notes.
3. Velvet after February.
4. White shoes before Memorial Day or after Labor Day.

Texas girls always say:
1. "Yes Maam."
2. "Yessir."

Texas girls have a distinct way with fond expressions:
1. "Yawl come back."
2. "Well, bless yer harrt."
3. "Drop by when ya can."
4. "How's yer mama?"
5. "Love yer hair."

Texas girls know their three R's:
1. Rich
2. Richer
3. Richest

Texas girls know everybody's first name:
1. Hunny
2. Darlin'
3. Shuger

Texas girls know the movies that speak to their hearts:
1. "Gone With the Wind"
2. "Fried Green Tomatoes"
3. "Driving Miss Daisy"
4. "Steel Magnolias"

Texas girls know the three deadly sins:
1. Bad hair
2. Bad manners
3. Bad blind dates

G.R.I.T. = Girls Raised in Texas !

Now you run along, Shuger, and send this to ANY females
aspiring to be GRITS--Even the northern ones, "Bless Their Hearts".

"Just because you move to Texas does not make you a Texan.
After all, if a cat had kittens and moved them to the oven, that wouldn't
make them biscuits."

What I want in a Man

2009-07-19T17:06:00.001-07:00

What I Want In A Man!
§ Original List:
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

§ What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

§ What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car…J
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

§ What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5.. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10.. Shaves some weekends

§ What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

§ What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

Send this to the women who will enjoy reading it and to the men who can handle it

Sheet Music

2009-07-18T12:52:00.001-07:00

never could read sheet music................... Till now!

Now that's funny, I don't care who you are or what kind of mood you're in, That's funny!

The Human Body

2009-07-13T13:43:00.001-07:00

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

POLISH SAUSAGE

2009-06-21T07:18:00.001-07:00

Everyone is in a hurry to scream 'racism' these days!

'In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?'

The clerk looks at him and says, 'Are you Polish?'

The guy (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?'

'If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?'

The clerk says, 'Well, no, I probably wouldn't!'

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, 'Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?'

The clerk replied, 'Because you're in Home Depot

What starts with F and ends in K

2009-06-16T21:31:00.001-07:00

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked,'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test..
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was tremb ling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......'

Redneck Pickup Lines <----These are a Hoot!!!

2009-06-15T20:06:00.001-07:00

Redneck pick up lines..

1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .
I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em..

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) Man - 'Fat Penguin!'
Woman - 'WHAT?'
Man - 'I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.'

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.

AND ..... the best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.

Stay

2009-06-15T19:53:00.001-07:00

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat nd I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, 'Now you stay. Do you hear me?'

'Stay! Stay!'

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said,

'Why don't you just put it in Park?

If I Got Arrested...

2009-06-15T10:43:00.001-07:00

ANSWER ME FIRST, THEN FORWARD:

If you saw ME in a police car what would you think I got arrested for?

Reply to me, alone, then fwd this on and see how many crimes you get accused of.

FW: Ad for Dog for sale - Craig's list

2009-06-14T18:36:00.001-07:00

What a huge dog!

Whether you own a dog or not, you must
appreciate the efforts of this owner to sell her dog..
Read the sales pitch!!!

Dog For Sale
Free to good home. Excellent guard dog. Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.
Most of them knew him as 'Holy Shit.'

2009 3 Free CREDIT SCORES: 2FStart%2FFreeCreditReportAndScore.aspx%3FID%3D91831F371F138345B53A153F49D4D872%26siteid%3De927580bf7>

Insert movie times and more without leaving Hotmail®. See how.

Windows Live™: Keep your life in sync. Check it out.

Great Short Joke

2009-06-06T06:09:00.001-07:00

A 3 year old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

Group Therapy

2009-06-02T22:01:00.001-07:00

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy..'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny..'

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willie from
school and go get dinner.

Underwear Dust

2009-05-23T15:19:00.001-07:00

BEWARE OF THAT UNDERWEAR DUST!!!!!!

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it will take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April',he hollered into the bathroom,'Why did you putTalcum Powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!! !

You guys just never learn, do not tick off the woman

A Chicana in Heaven

2009-05-15T16:51:00.001-07:00

A Chicana in Heaven...

A middle aged Chicana had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near death experience and the
Creator appeared before her. Seeing the Creator, she asked, 'Dios mio, is my time up?' Dios said, 'No mijita, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live.' The Chicana decided to stay in the hospital and have some work done face-lift, liposuction, chi-chi lift, nalga lift and pansa tuck. (Write back if you need spanglish-translation) She was all excited because she knew she had a long life ahead and wanted to look bien chingona!

After her final operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way to a taqueria, she was hit and killed by a bus. Arriving in front of the Creator, she demanded, 'Orale pues...que paso I thought you said I had another 40 years to go? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that pinche bus?' The Creator replied, 'Orale loca, I didn't recognize you!'.

Doctor Says...........

2009-05-15T16:44:00.001-07:00

I love this Doctor :-)

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out   eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?   Hay and corn.   And what are these? Vegetables.. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.   Need grain?   Eat chicken.   Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).   And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way.   Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms   up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat   ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger   stomach.

Q: Is   chocolate bad for me?
A: Are   you crazy? HELLO   Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good   food around!

Q: Is   swimming good for your figure?
A: If   swimming is good for your figure,   explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting   in-shape important for my   lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well,   I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may   have had about food   and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and   screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than   Americans..

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Wal-mart Cake

2009-05-15T16:41:00.001-07:00

Wal-Mart Cake
It took me a second, but make sure you read the story under the picture.
Keep in mind this actually really did happen.
This cake is for someone who was moving from an insurance claims office

Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went:

Walmart Employee: 'Hello 'dis be Walmarts, how can I help you?'

Customer: ' I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.'

Walmart Employee: 'What you want on da cake?'

Customer: 'Best Wishes Suzanne' and underneath that 'We will miss you'.

STOP LAUGHING!
You can't fix stupid.

The Cowboy and the Mexican....

2009-05-03T07:05:00.001-07:00

A cowboy walked into a bar, sat down and asked for a shot, across was a Mexican man sitting there glaring at the cowboy.

The cowboy took the shot and slammed the shot glass down on the counter and yelled, 'TGIF'

The Mexican ordered a shot, took it and slammed his glass down and yelled, 'SPIT'

The cowboy looked over at him and noticed that the Mexican man was still staring at him!

The cowboy once again ordered another shot, slammed it down and yelled again, 'TGIF' and once again the Mexican ordered his shot, slammed his shot glass down after consuming it and yelled out, 'SPIT'

This went on for a while, and the bartender stood there and watched them. Finally annoyed by it, the bartender asked the cowboy, 'Ya know, just checkin, but do you know what TGIF means???

The cowboy replied 'Hell Ya, I know what it means, 'thank God it's Friday!'

And then the bartender went up to the Mexican man and said, "Okay, so what does SPIT mean, and the Mexican man replied. ....'Stupid pendejo, it's Thursday!'

So they said that a

2009-05-03T06:41:00.001-07:00

So they said that a black man would be president when pigs fly . His first 100 days and * bam * swine flu . hahahah

Avoiding_Swine_Fl u...

2009-05-03T06:10:00.001-07:00

Avoiding Swine Flu...

What not to do...

REALLY BAD NIGHT

2009-04-18T14:26:00.001-07:00

I'm never drinking again.
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again.
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again.
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again
I'm never drinking again

NEVER EVER DRINKING again!!

VOTED THE BEST JOKE (so far) 2009

2009-04-18T14:22:00.001-07:00

VOTED THE BEST JOKE (so far) 2009

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.' The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?' Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I' m staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!

Kids

2009-04-10T16:05:00.001-07:00

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother,
"Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"
Before the mother could raise a concern,
Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"
Sally replied, "No, Salty."
Mom Fainted.

My First Time

2009-04-10T15:50:00.001-07:00

MY FIRST TIME----

It was my first time ever
And I'll never forget

I'd do it again
Without a single regret.

The sky was dark
The moon was high

We were all alone
Just she and I.

Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue

I knew just what
She wanted to do.

Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine

I ran my fingers
Down her spine..

I didn't know how
But I tried my best

I started by placing
My hands on her breast.

I remember my fear
My fast beating heart

But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.

And when I did it
I felt no shame

All at once
The white stuff came.

At last it's finished
It's all over now

My first time ever
At milking a cow..

NOW ALL U DIRTY MINDS SAY 3 HAIL MARYS..

Mexican Oysters

2009-04-10T15:47:00.001-07:00

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles, from the bull fight this morning. They are also known as Mexican Oysters. They are a delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor... Sometimes the bull wins.'

Gene's Winky

2009-04-10T10:03:00.001-07:00

Gene looked Sandy in the eyes and said, 'I too have a problem. My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you can deal with that once we are married.'

She said, 'Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size winky.'
Sandy and Gene got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.
Gene whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, and holding one another.
As Sandy put her hands in Gene's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Gene ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an infant!'
'Yes, it is ... 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19 inches long.'

God versus Darwin

2009-04-05T12:31:00.001-07:00

A little girl asked her father:

'How did the human race appear?'

The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve;
they had children; and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.
The mother answered,

'Many years ago there were monkeys from
which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her father and said,
'Dad, how is it possible that you told me the
human race was created by God,
and Mom said they developed from monkeys?'

The father answered,
'Well, Dear, it is very simple.

I told you about my side of the family,
and your mother told you about hers.

To Be 6 Again...

2009-04-05T08:16:00.001-07:00

This is us, dudes!!!

To Be 6 Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

I Love This Doctor

2009-04-05T08:10:00.001-07:00

QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

_____

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products

_____

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

_____

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

_____

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

_____

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

_____

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

_____

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around! !

_____

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

_____

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!!

Hell to get old...

2009-04-05T07:59:00.001-07:00

> An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count
> as
> part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
> 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The
> next
> day the 85- year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
> gave
> him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
>
> The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc,
> it's
> like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
> Then I tried
> with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for
> help.
> She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
> She
> tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth
> out, still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
> and
> she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even
> tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'
>
> The doctor was shocked ! 'You asked your neighbor?'
>
> The old man replied , 'Yep , none of us could get the jar open
> !!!!!!

Memo to Latino Employees

2009-03-08T17:21:00.001-07:00

Memo to Latino Employees

New Policy for Latino Employees effective immediately!

Several visitors to our office have brought to our attention that our Spanish-speaking employees commonly use offensive language.
Such behavior, in addition to violating firm practices, is highly unprofessional, offensive both to visitors and employees, and will not be
tolerated. We have decided to implement a series of rules in our office and would expect them to be applied.
It is expected that ALL employees immediately adhere to these rules:

1 - Phrases like 'cabrón', 'ah, chingado', ' como chingas', and other such expressions will not be used for emphasis, no matter how heated the discussion may get.

2 - Non-important matters should not be addressed as 'pendejadas'.

3 - You will not say 'la cagó' when someone makes a mistake, or 'ya cago el palo' if you see someone being reprimanded. All forms and derivatives of the word 'cagar' are inappropriate in our environment.

4 - Lack of determination will not be referred to as 'falta de huevos', nor will a person with lack of initiative be ref erred to as 'huevon ' or 'mamón'.

5 - No Manager or Supervisor, under any circumstances, will be referred to as 'hijo de la chingada', 'culero' or 'ese cabrón'.

6 - When a proposal is presented, the phrase 'estas son ba bosadas' must not be used.

7 - Unusual or creative brainstorming meetings will not be referred to as 'pinche chingaderas'.

8 - Do not say ' como jode' if a person is persistent, or 'se jodió' if somebody is going through a difficult situation. Furthermore, you must not say 'puta madre', or 'esto ya valió madre' when matters become complicated in your line of work.

9 - When asking someone to leave you alone, you should not say 'vete a la chingada cabron'.

10 - Do not substitute '¿Que Chingados quieres?' for 'May I help you?'

11 - When leaving the office, using the phrase 'me voy a la chingada' is not proper.

12 - When any office equipment fails, it must be reported as 'it broke down', not as 'esta chingadera valió madre'.

Please file this memo properly.

GRACIAS,
EL PINCHE HUMAN RESOURCES DEPARTMENT

Birthday Reminder!

2009-03-05T22:04:00.001-08:00

BIRTHDAY REMINDER ----

This week we celebrate a special birthday.
Monica Lewinsky turned 34. Can you believe it?
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling
around the White House on her hands and knees,
and putting everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast ... don't they?

Sheer Nightgown

2009-02-28T21:49:00.001-08:00

Sheer Nightgown

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy-), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon . Closed coffin.

Check Homework

2009-02-19T20:16:00.001-08:00

Always check your child's homework.

(Here's the reply the teacher received the following day)

Dear Mrs. Jones,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer.
I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it. Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.
From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Smith

The Audit

2009-02-09T19:07:00.001-08:00

The Audit

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his
attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment , Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go
ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he
takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous,
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between..'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his
pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an
audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Remember those headaches

2009-02-08T14:50:00.001-08:00

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've
been having all these years ? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks,
'What happened ?'

His wife replies, 'Angie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand
in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,

I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache

Well, it worked ! The headaches are all gone.'

'Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.

His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in
the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and
see if he can do anything for that ?'

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes,
picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed
and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into
bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'WOW ! - that was wonderful !'

The husband says, 'Don't move ! I will be right back.'

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better
than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning 'OH MY GOD' she proclaims.

Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him in the bathroom, she sees him
standing at the mirror and saying .

She's not my wife
She's not my wife
She's not my wife'

His funeral service will be held Saturday.

Sheck your Mexican status

2009-02-08T14:38:00.001-08:00

Mexican Status

If you can run and play any sport while wearing chanclas, or your Sunday shoes....Your a
Mexican!!

If your late Tio left you a van and you turned it into a taco vending
business...Yes, you're a Mexican.

If you pronounce words beginning with the letter 'S' by putting an 'E'
in front of it, (estop instead of stop, esprite instead of sprite, eStanley
instead of Stanley )...big time Mexican.

If you call a chair, a sher, you got it.... Mexican.

If you have ever hurt yourself and your mama rubbed the area while
chanting, ' Sana , Sana , Colita de rana.....' You're Mexican, big time!!!

If you have your last name in old English lettering anywhere, your car,
truck, or tattooed on your back...Yes, you ARE a Mexican (proud one too).

If you refer to your wife as your ruca, your jaina, your wifa, your old
lady, mija or your vieja, guess what?...Not only are you a Mexican, you're a
cholo. You're old school

If you throw a 'Grito' every time you hear Vicente "Chente"
Fernandez...then not only are you a Mexican, but you are a drunk Mexican.

If you have ever been pinched in church and been told 'pobrecito de ti
si lloras' or 'Vas a ver orita que salgamos.' ...Yes, you're definitely a
Mexican, and probably raised by your abuela.

If you grew up being called 'chamaca or chamaco', or 'mocoso or mocosa' ...Mexican.

If you grew up scared of La Llorona, or fear the dark because of El
CuCuy! ...Yes! Mexican!

Si te persinas with a lotto ticket in your hand before every
drawing....You're in the Mexican Zone!!!

If you ask for something by 'dame esa chingadera or esa madre' instead of calling it
by its name...Yup! Mexican!

If you constantly refer to cereal as 'con fleys' or cake as 'kay-ke'...You're a Mexican.

If you use manteca instead of vegetable oil and can't figure out why
your butt is getting bigger......You might be a Mexican.

If you have some Tias that dress up in their prom dresses to go to a
birthday party at 'el parque'... Guess what? You are a Mexican.

If your Tias and Abuela dress up in their Sunday best with heels (with
medias arrugadas) and all to go to the 'pulga.' (AKA the Flea Market or swap
meet) ...Then, yes, you are a True Mexican.

If most of the houses on your block are painted bright pink, light blue,
mint green, and lavender. ...Mexican.

If you use the bushes in front of your house, the fence, or the top of
an old car to dry laundry. ...Yes, you're a Mexican.

If you use a car seat on your front port as patio chairs, sabes que? Mexican.

If you're congested and your mamasita rubbed 'Bicks' on you...You're
Mexican.



IF YOU DON'T NEED ANY EXPLANATIONS FOR ANY OF THE ABOVE, YOU KNOW THAT
YOU ARE A TRUE MEXICAN. VIVA LA RAZA!!!

        You know you're laughing your head off. It's all in fun, so don't get
all 'adoloridos.'

        Just pass it on so another Mexican can laugh too!

WHY MEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MESSAGES

2009-02-08T14:04:00.001-08:00

"Moving On Up! To The East Side! To That Deluxe Apartment In The Sky-y-y , , , , , "]

2009-02-03T21:28:00.001-08:00

Dad at Mall

2009-01-31T21:59:00.001-08:00

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. 'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

Best Blonde Joke Ever.

2009-01-28T18:10:00.001-08:00

BEST EVER BLONDE JOKE

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
Me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
Started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
The table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
Her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
Assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
Nice cup of tea, and then ." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . ... . ..

(scroll down)

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

John Enriquez
RLR Advertising & Marketing
150 South Arroyo Parkway
Pasadena, CA 91105
Tel: 626-440-0321
Fax: 626-796-5634

The Gorilla

2009-01-28T17:23:00.001-08:00

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.

   He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit,

   they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.

   He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.

   He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

   He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her

   straps fall to show a little more skin.

She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

   'Now... Show you r thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,' he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

   Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

   'Now. Tell HIM you have a headache.'

[FWD: Cajun Math Test..]

2009-01-28T17:06:00.001-08:00

Cajun Math Test

A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Cajun says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks?
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."
"So, when I start?"

Six Affairs

2009-01-19T07:34:00.001-08:00

Six Classic Affairs

> The 1st Affair:
>
> A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
>
> One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted,
they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
>
> The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside
and rub them in the grass and dirt.
>
> He put on his shoes and drove home.
>
> 'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
>
> 'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my
secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
>
> 'You lying bastard!
>
> You've been playing golf!'
>
>
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>
>   The 2nd Affair:
>
>   A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked
about having a son.
>                       They decided to try one last time for the son they
always wanted.
>
>                              The wife got pregnant and delivered a
healthy baby boy.
>
>                              The joyful father rushed to the nursery to
see his new son.
>
>                                   He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.
>
>           He told his wife, 'There's no way I can be the father of this
baby. Look at the two                    beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
>
>                                      The wife smiled sweetly and
replied, ' Not this time!'
>
> _______________________________
>
>
>
> The 3rd Affair:
>
> A mortician was working late one night.
>
> He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a
startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
>
> 'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to
be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for
posterity.'
>
> So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
>
> 'I have to show you something you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
>
> 'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead?!?!'
>
> __________________________________
>
>
>
>
>
> The 4th Affair:
>
> A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door.
> 'Hurry,' she said, 'Stand in the corner.'
>
> She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
>
> 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
>
> 'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
>
> 'Oh, it's a statue.' she replied. 'The Smith's bought one and I liked it
so much I got one for us, too.'
>
> No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
>
> Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a
sandwich and a beer.
>
> 'Here,' he said to the statue, 'Have this. I stood like that for two
days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
>
> ___________________________________
>
>
>
>
> The 5th Affair:
>
> A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
>
> 'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
>
> 'One Cent?' the man thought.
>
> He glanced at the menu and asked, 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a
bottle of wine?'
>
> 'A nickel,' the barman replied.
>
> 'A nickel?' exclaime d the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
>
> The bartender replied, 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
>
> The man asked, 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
>
> The bartender replied,
>
> 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'
>
>
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>
> The 6th Affair:
>
> Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
>
> He looked up and said weakly, 'I have something I must confess.'
>
> 'There's no need to,' his wife replied.
>
> 'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister,
your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
>
> 'I know, I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
>

Maxine and the Sex Toy Shop

2009-01-15T19:04:00.001-08:00

DEAR MADAM:

THANK YOU FOR YOUR RECENT ORDER FROM OUR SEX TOY SHOP.

YOU ASKED FOR THE LARGE RED VIBRATOR AS FEATURED ON OUR WALL DISPLAY.

PLEASE SELECT ANOTHER ITEM BECAUSE THAT IS OUR FIRE EXTINGUISHER.

Well, Shit!

How To Impress the Sexes

2009-01-15T16:50:00.001-08:00

How to Impress a Woman:

compliment her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
listen to her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her.

How to Impress a Man:

show up naked,
bring beer.

Interesting Saying

2009-01-15T16:45:00.001-08:00

'Whatever you give a woman, she will make it greater. If
you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give
her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her
groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a
smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and
enlarges what is given to her.

So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of
shit"

O.J. - The Afterlife

2009-01-01T13:41:00.001-08:00

OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil. 'You are on my
list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell
you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who
weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take
their Place.

I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.'

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to
the First room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept
Diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he
dove In and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

'No,' OJ said. 'I don't thin k so. I'm not a good swimmer,
and I don't think I could do that all day long.'

The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with
a Sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that
hammer, Time after time after time.

'No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would
be In constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,'
commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying
on The bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a
Spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she
Does best.

OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, 'Yeah man, I
Can handle this.'

The devil smiled and said .. . .

(This is priceless)

jo

Blonde Joke

2008-12-29T16:18:00.001-08:00

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Texas . With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.

What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person.

It's because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general.... and all in the name of humor!' The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,

'You stay the hell out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit sitting on your knee.'

Posters

2008-12-27T11:40:00.001-08:00

Shopping at Bass Pro...

2008-12-27T11:33:00.001-08:00

SHOPPING AT BASS-PRO
>>
>>A woman went into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
>>birthday. She didn't know which one to get so she just grabbed one and
>>went
>>over to the counter.
>>
>>A Bass Pro Shop associate was standing there wearing dark shades. She
>>said,
>>"Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
>>
>>He said, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the
>>counter,
>>I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
>>
>>She didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway.
>>
>>He said, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel
>>and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale
>>this week for only $20.00."
>>
>>"It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping
>>on
>>the counter", she said. I'll take it!"
>>
>>As she opened her purse, her credit card dropped on the floor.
>>
>>"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he said.
>>
>>She bent down to pick it up and accidentally farted. At first she was
>>really
>>embarrassed, but then realized there was no way the blind clerk could tell
>>it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only
>>person around.
>>
>>The clerk rang up the sale and said, "That'll be $34.50 please."
>>
>>The woman was totally confused by this and asked, 'Didn't you tell me the
>>rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
>>
>>He replied, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel are $20.00, but the Duck Call is
>>$11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50."

24hours to live

2008-12-23T10:49:00.000-08:00

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife Sadie that the doctor

has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you

know I now have only 18 hours to live.

Could we please do it one more time?"

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that

he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Sadie, my dearest, please...

just one more time before I die."

She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.

Morris, however, worried about his impending, tosses and turns, until

he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours.

Do you think we could..."

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Morris, I have to get

up in the morning... you don't."

[FWD: [SPAM] Fwd: La Comadre]

2008-12-23T10:47:00.001-08:00

A middle aged Chicana had a heart attack and was taken to the
hospital. While on the operating table, the Comadre was delirious, she
had a near-death experience.

Seeing God she asked, "Ay Diosito Santo, is my time up?"

Dios said, "No mijita, you have another 43 years, two months and
eight days to live ."

Upon recovery, the Chicana decided to stay in the hospital and have
the works done: face-lift, liposuction, chi-chi lift, nalga lift and a pansa
tuck. The Chica was all excited because she knew she had a long life
ahead and she wanted to look bien chingona!

After the last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
the street on her way to a taqueria, she was hit and killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of the Creator, she demanded, "Orale pues – Que paso?
I thought you said I had another 40 years to go? Why didn't you pul l me out
of the path of that ambulancia?"

The Creator replied, "Pues, mijita, I didn't even recognize you?"

Twelve Days of Christmas (A Classic)

2008-12-19T13:21:00.001-08:00

December 14, 1972

My dearest darling John:

Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a
Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times
for thinking of me this way.

My love always,
Agnes

================================================
December 15, 1972

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle
doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
adorable.

All my love,
Agnes

================================================
December 16, 1972

Dear John:

Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such
generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist,
you've been too kind.

All my love,
Agnes

================================================
December 17, 1972

Dear John:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are
beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough.

You are being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes

================================================
December 18, 1972

Dearest John:

What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for
every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those
birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,
Agnes
=================================================
December 19, 1972

Dear John:

When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my
front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge.
Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep
through the racket.

Please stop.

Cordially,
Agnes
================================================
December 20, 1972

John:

What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind
of joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop
the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny.

So stop those freaking birds.

Sincerely,
Agnes
================================================
December 21, 1972

O.K. Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the heck am I going to do with 8 maids a
milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but
they had to bring their darn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I
can't move in my own house.

You must think you're really cute...please cut it out.

Agnes
================================================
December 22, 1972

Hey Bonehead:

What are you.....some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And
let me tell you, do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids
since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and
they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do?
The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours !

Agnes
================================================
December 23, 1972

You rotten jerk:

Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies.
They've been playing around with those pipers all night long. Now the cows
can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of crap.
The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the
building shouldn't be condemned.

I'm calling the police on you !

Agnes
================================================
December 24, 1972

Listen you "#$%*_"

What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maid and ladies? You've
turned my home into a brothel. Those pipers got incredibly drunk on the egg
nog, ran through the maids. All twenty-three of the birds are dead.
They've been trampled to death in all the ruckus.

I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.

You're sworn enemy,
Agnes
================================================
December 25, 1972

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which
you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The
destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our
attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale
Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.

With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Happy Holidays,
Law Offices

WHY WOMEN CANT SLEEP

2008-12-17T14:20:00.001-08:00

Have you ever wondered how a woman's brain works?
Well....it's finally explained here in one, easy-to-understand illustration:

Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.

A man has only 2 balls and they take up all his thoughts

Early letter to Santa

2008-12-17T13:43:00.001-08:00

Dear Santa,

Please send me a baby brother.

Santa wrote back:

"Send me your mother..."

SANTA DANCE

2008-12-12T16:45:00.001-08:00

Don't ever say that I never sent you a Christmas card! Enjoy! ...

I thought you all would like this one . Just type in your first name when the box comes up.

http://adoniscabaret.co.uk/saucy-santa-hen-night/index.htm

Crazy Ball

2008-12-12T16:40:00.001-08:00

Great stress reliever or creator - not sure which!

Click here: Ball

Christmas Advice-Very Important You must Read and View

2008-12-11T20:04:00.001-08:00

Thought this was pretty funny. Hope you agree!

---http://bewareofthedoghouse.com/video.aspx

three gov't contractors

2008-12-08T20:02:00.001-08:00

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.; one from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, from Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that friends, is how it all works!

Crabs

2008-12-07T07:06:00.001-08:00

Crabs A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crab. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did. The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. She was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?' Not one hand went up. So she took them home and ate them herself. Men never learn

Do You Fart in Bed?

2008-12-04T22:05:00.000-08:00

DO YOU FART IN BED?

IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU.
THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.
THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.
EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.
THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER
AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.
SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS
SHORTS.
SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF
AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETT Y GOOD.
ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATT ER.
HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE
WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'.
'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE.
'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.'
BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN!!!!!!

Guess Your Number!

2008-12-01T19:08:00.001-08:00

Enjoy

http://www.quizyourprofile.com/guessyournumber.swf

Thanksgiving Divorce

2008-12-01T09:15:00.001-08:00

A man in Jacksonville calls his son in San Diego the day before Thanksgiving and says, 'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

'Pop, what are you talking about?' the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Denver and tell her.'

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. ' Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,'

She calls Jacksonville immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.'

Ole Timer Sex!

2008-11-23T20:49:00.001-08:00

This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'